April 23, 2013

• Life as it is now

  Well it’s been a freaking long time since I’ve updated. There are several reasons to why but to cut it short, the reason for the lack of entries are mostly the following: Firstly my mind has been consistently clouded by a combination of alcohol and hangovers set on repeat, as well as exhaustion both mentally and physically by work and the lack of overly-expected achievements. Also, I’ve been trying too hard write about something original or clever or grammatically correct. And looking back my old “carefully constructed” posts, they’re still shitty writing.

  Call me a narcissist but aside from checking myself out in the mirror and taking self-portraits from time to time, I also read my own articles and chuckle at my own jokes and go “Damn that shit was fucking funny!”  But if you’re reading this and are shocked, you either don’t know me well or you’re lying to yourself. Come on man we all do these shit to some degree.

  Anyways, what I do find entertaining and worthy of reading on this blog which I’ve kept for whatever years now, are those spontaneous ones. So tonight is gonna be that night, all sober and ready to relish the past few months of my life and just talk about what ever is on my mind. Note to reader (if any) and future Jacky: Look out because it’s going to be a long ass read – and I hope in a few months or years you’ll find this entry enjoyable and hopefully come up with something better.

  1.      Dating

  So I’ve been single for about 2 years now, I don’t know the exact duration, wasn’t keeping track. I’m not sure when, but maybe a year or so ago there was this void in my life that started to grow. Maybe mostly I turned 30 recently and a lot of my friends and cousins got married and I started to be all self-conscious about it.

  I’ve always been a douche when it comes to relationships. A douche in the sense that I give up very easily whenever I see something not fitting in the other half (or myself) – the unwillingness to compromise. I have this douche mentality of having unrealistic expectations for a potential partner, and at the same time not willing to step my game up to confront and go after any potential candidates. As a result I’ve had very few relationships and none of which lasted very long. It’s a two way thing really,it’s good in the sense that I never waste my ex’s time by letting them go when I feel something is “not right”, bad in the sense that maybe I just never wanted to put in extra effort to “make it work”.

  Oh well, no matter. I have been adjusting my mentalities for quite a bit and been somewhat actively doing online dating. I joined this pretty awesome site called OkCupid to scan for potential dates. In the beginning my ignorant ass was again expecting all kinds of interesting hot babes, only to find out the majority of the people are no more and no less than the folks we see from day to day (duh!).

  Anyways, so far I’ve met two girl sand the last one I met was an impressive one. Now it may sound ironic to say but I am fairly sure we aren’t attracted to each other, and we shouldn’t necessarily be in order for the dates to be successful. She is a slender,attractive girl, open minded, talkative and straight forward girl; we get along quite well and were able to talk about almost anything. We made it clear on our first date, which was an afternoon Starbucks chat that we both weren’t out to meet “The One”, rather just activity companions. Someone to go eat, drink,watch a movie/show with. Because like me, she only recently returned to Malaysia after 9 years spent in the US, and have lost connection with most of her friends, so there’s this loneliness in both of us.

  We went to a comedy show last Wednesday and had a fantastic time. Never been to a live stand-up and the experience was exhilarating.Some acts were cheap jokes where you feel nervous for them and some were spot on and had me LOL my ass to exhaustion. I guess the best feeling is I was able to drink and smoke and laugh with a bunch of like-minded individuals. Honestly,it would have been 10 times better if we were into each other and finished the night with the hey-hey routine, but nevertheless that was a fun ass night.

  On the real though, the dilemma rolled in after that night, I’m not sure if I was over-thinking, but I do get the vibe that there seemed to be little point if we continued to hang out, the main reason I believe, is that though we said weren’t looking for “the one”, we both knew that it certainly would have been better if we are spending our time and energy on someone who has the potential, and though we like each other as individuals the friend zone was already established. Age is probably a big factor too because she’s 33 and I’m 30 – it’s shallow to say but if we were maybe a couple of years younger it’d be nice to fool around a bit.

  2.      Fatness/Drinking

  I am sick of my fucking beer gut, and this is the primary reason why I decided to sit down and write this thing tonight. It’s just RIGHT THERE, ALL THE TIME. I’m a heavy drinker; I drink about a six-pack beer plus some whiskey almost on a daily basis. I was watching the movie “Flight” by Denzel Washington the other night and it really hit me. I’m an alcoholic, well, till this day I still deny so because I FEEL that I’m in control. I binge drink but I don’t drink to the point of blacking out and do regrettable things – but that’s just wishful thinking and I know. I have a problem and I need to fix it before it’s too late. It’s a vicious cycle, a slow paced self-destructing habit that I have kept for a long, long time.

  There are things that I used to enjoy without the influence of alcohol – drawing, video games, movies, Poker, YouTube, basketball, etc. At some point in my life, most of these things have faded away. I couldn’t find the joy out of them anymore, and more and more I find my leisure entertainments so much more awesome and fun with booze. And gradually it’s come to the point where all of my leisure time will need to accompany some booze otherwise they’re just “not that fun”.  And when I say leisure time I really mean every night after dinner.

  Drinking has obviously affected my physical health as well as my personal and professional life. I have developed high cholesterol and high triglyceride, I can’t climb a few stairs without feeling uneasy and I don’t exercise. To top it all off I am also a smoker. During some more heavy times I live my day in hangover and night in drunkenness continuously to the point where my body really couldn’t take any more and just get really sick. I’d recover, cut down for some time, and repeat.  During those days I often show up at work late and reek of alcohol, it’s fucking embarrassing and pathetic. I should be better than that, I know I’m better than that.

  I think about the reason why I drink so much and binge so hard. Boredom? Loneliness? Problems in life? To be honest it’s all bullshit. It’s a combination of weak will, laziness, lack of discipline and to top it all off – being an ungrateful human being.

  I can’t say that I can quit this habit cold turkey, but I am really fucking sick of myself doing this shit over and over again. I am consciously aware of this problem and I constantly avoid thinking about it, for years now. But the effect is there no matter how I look at it. Every time I bend down to tie my laces I feel this lump of fat stuck on my stomach, and I cuss at myself for allowing this – for like, 7 years now? As I age, my metabolism wears down and I feel worse and worse and can’t keep up with the poison I’m chugging down. George Carlin says it best: “There comes to a point where the pain outweighs the pleasure, and you just cut the bullshit.”

  Well, I’m not gonna say I’m going to cut the bullshit, but I really, really want to do something about it. I want to do more exercise, set up some kind of goal, and maintain it. For now, I am thinking I should exercise at least 3 times a week, and only drink during weekends or days when I did exercise before. Not sure if it’s a good plan but it’s as feasible and realistic as I can set it out to be now, a first step, the most important part is to keep up.

  Every time I do this, the pressure builds up as time elapses and boom I fall deeper into that cycle. I want to write this now and remind myself to just step up and do better, every little effort counts. Try to exercise right after work, burn some calories before dinner, and exhaust yourself so you won’t feel like drinking at all, just hop on the bed all tired, read some books and get ready for the next day JACKY!

  3.      Dad/Bro

  Besides my drinking problem, I think I am doing quite okay in life. I won’t say I’m happy, but overall I feel content and motivated in life. Over the years the biggest issue I’ve always struggle with myself is to set a realistic goal and put in the actual action to make that happen; while not everything has come to fruition (e.g.Fatness/Alcohol), I did accomplish some things I’ve set out to do.

  The biggest worry I have now is my father and my brother. Man, the power of family. These two mofos are probably the biggest, most colossal hard headed stubborn individuals I have ever met. The tension between the two was always there but lately it’s come to an inevitable collision. The damage is high and it’s not getting any better any time soon.  

  Long story short, the biggest problem I believe for the two, is that they both want to “prove themselves”, it’s like a war of who’s right who’s wrong, a constant struggle to gain each other’s approvals, acknowledgements and recognition, and these two will not back down one bit, not much room for negotiation, and even if there was, there wasn’t time for it either. I won’t go over too much in the details, every family has its problems, this one is mine and the ongoing feud is a big part of my conscious. It hurts to see how these two just can’t see eye to eye and have a real peaceful conversation, but as a bro and a son, I feel that I’ve done my best to reduce the damage and whatever goes on in the future I will stand by them, that’s family

  I do want to take some time out to talk about my dad. Over the years, I have come to really know him. He was never close to us when we were kids – maybe when we were much younger, but during our adolescence he had always been this authority figure so far out of reach. I guess I could use the word “fear”, but I think it’s more out of sheer respect for the man, that we as kids never reached out to him.  

  As I work and live with him the last 6 years in Asia, I became closer with the man, more and more he feels more“vulnerable”, more able to relate… more “humane” I guess. I became capable of evaluating him as a person whom I could figure out, his weakness was unveiled and his strength was realized; I started to be able to think like him and feel like him. Slowly and steadily I realize he wasn’t all powerful and all wise and all superhuman,he is just one egotistic, stubborn, hard headed, non-negotiating, high-expectation having tough SOB.

  But the most important thing is, the more I find out about his more humane side, the more I realize just how much shit he’s been through and put up all his life to become the man that he is today. It’s a result of a life-long stream of sacrifices, disciplines, pain and broken hearts (of himself and those whom he caused), blood sweat and tears,chances/risks he took, and all that other things that I can’t and will never fathom. And for the most part, and to me the most admirable, is that he’s always kept them in his heart and only let his actions speak.

  But yeah, whether that’s a good thing or not, he is no different from you and me. He too wants to be understood and loved, no more no less. But he’s my dad, and I have never questioned my privilege to be his son. To me, he’ll always remain at the top of the pyramid, someone who will always be the inspiration, the final boss you just can’t beat, and the pain in the ass that keep me in check and will forever be at the back of my mind to remind myself to be a better person.  

   

  So yeah, it’s been two hours since I sat down and wrote, this feels pretty great. I have a whole bunch of other topics that I didn’t cover but as usual it’s getting late and I don’t have the energy to write. There are other things that are running through my head but I can’t lay them all out, but overall this is kind of an update of my life and a reminder for my future self. To all my close ones, this is what I really want to say when you ask me “How’s it going?” I know ya’ll still read my Xanga and I thank you for that, you guys listen to whatever bullshit I have to say and I don’t quite reciprocate enough. We’ll take turns though I’m sure, this is friends and this is life. Alright even though I’m pumped as fuck now I still really need to catch some sleep. It’s only Tuesday damn it.

  Peace and till next time!

  • 12:06 pm
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