November 27, 2012
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How to drive in Malaysia
This guide is dedicated to all the wonderful Malaysian drivers whom I’ve had the blessing to share the road with. As a foreign driver in this country I’ve had my share of elevated blood pressure and ever-deepening frustration dealing with the proper way of the road. Through this guide I hope to help those who aren’t accustomed to the Malaysian way to have a better idea how to drive in this country with a peace of mind. Saya Malaysian Style!
Rule of Thumb
The central and fundamental rule to keep in mind while driving in Malaysia is to ALWAYS prioritize your needs and wants above all else. To be a true Malaysian driver, one must understand that your desire, convenience and comfort are far superior to laws & regulation, safety of the roads, and the lives of people around you. Attempts at adhering to the traffic laws or being courteous to other drivers will often result with serious consequences such as making driving in Malaysia less of a pain in the ass. Besides, being obedient to the law and courteous to other people will undoubtedly expose you as a noobie foreign pussy driver, in order to blend into the crowd and avoid being spotted, follow the pointers below.
Always be late
Always be late, or act as if you have some kind of emergency, so you can always drive fast. Remember how you should always prioritize your needs? You are late, so you must drive faster than all other vehicles, the faster you are driving and swerving across lanes, the more urgent of an image you are projecting to the other drivers, they’ll understand. If there is a traffic jam ahead of you, do use the emergency lane. And if people weren’t moving faster than you wanted to, try tailgating them as closely and dangerously as possible (you know you have great hand-eye coordination!) and do make great use of the high-beam lights and honks to show them that you really are in a hurry, what do carmakers make these functions for anyway right?
Always be late, so you also deserve to drive as slowly as you please because hey, you’re already late. Other cars will circle around you anyway, and if they don’t, chances are they’re too stupid and unworthy of you changing lanes, so they can wait. While you’re driving slowly, do make calls and start a fun-packed, full on conversation with your friends, family, and loved ones. A true Malaysian driver should be capable enough of basic multitasking, so to test your capability, try refraining from talking on the phone and start text messaging instead – you’d be surprised just how capable you actually are, and if you’re awkward at it, PRACTICE.
Drive within the lines
Never let the lane marks on the road distract you – those are tax money wasted by the government to paint on the ever-cracking road full of dents and bumps to insult the intelligence of the Malaysian drivers. Malaysian drivers do not need stupid, redundant paints on the road to guide them to form organized traffic flows – true Malaysian drivers have exceptional spatial cognition, they disregard lane separators or non-stopping diagonal zones and cut into or stop at any space they deem appropriate. Again: YOUR NEED IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN OTHERS’.
Be a leader, not a reader
Ignore all sign boards. Like lane marks, the sign boards are mostly pointless if not deceptive; just another gimmick set up by the government to tax more of your money into their pockets. A true Malaysian driver is smarter than to follow these boards with meaningless words, which by the way are usually covered full of massage and loan ads anyway. If you see STOP, go; if you see ONE WAY, go against the direction; if you see YIELD, rush; a NO-U? U that bitch; SPEED LIMIT 90? Go 130 or 60, get the drift? If you see pedestrian crossing marks, always speed up and cross it before the pedestrian can, god forbids those little shits take your right of way. If a pedestrian is stupid enough to actually use the zebra crosses, honk at them. And if you ever hit a pedestrian, pretend you didn’t see one, roll off and go on with your day,or alternatively if your mood strikes, step down the car and yell at them because they put a dent on your precious, antique Proton.
Keep them guessing
Never blink your indicator lights, EVER. For what? To tell the other drivers where you’re going? Blinking signal lights in Malaysia is a very amateur thing to do and frowned upon. Every time you see a driver blink and trying to get into your lane, the natural thing to do is to close the gap as quickly as possible to avoid the other car from merging ahead of you. Likewise, when you’re trying to switch lane, blinking will cost your opportunity to always being ahead, so why be a sucker?
Park like a King
Always double park. Time is precious and you must pick up your coffees, groceries or takeout food so you have absolutely zero time to find a parking spot. The distance you walk from your parked car to your destination determines the level of success you have at being a good Malaysian driver – the shorter the distance the more of a champion you are. And whenever other drivers find out your car is blocking theirs, NEVER move the car until you get your coffee, takeout food, your cigarette, finished talking on the phone or hell, until you are pleased. If you actually feel like parking at a designated parking place, never park as the lines indicated (by now you should know better), and make sure you circle around the parking lot reeeeaaalllllly sloooowwwwwly so you can find the closest parking space to the entrance of the mall, there’s always an “I” in “WIN”!
Work together with the police
In the unfortunate event of a police officer pulling you over, you must understand that the law enforcement officers here are simply doing their jobs – that is keeping up the image that they are. The Malaysian people are generally very friendly, including the police officers; they understand that as a driver you must place your needs above everything else – you don’t have time to fill out a ticket or go to the court, so your best bet is to negotiate the ticketed fine and usually you’ll be free off the road within minutes. This keeps the traffic going and both parties fulfilling their jobs, you continue to drive the car like a douche bag, and the cops continues to pretend doing their jobs, win-win.
Final Notes
The above pointers are the most basic requirement for one to become a Malaysian driver. But if you want to truly go Pro, here are a few further pointers:
- - Put a McDonald VIP Drive-Thru Sticker on your wind shield. Honestly, I don’t know why, but when I spot one on the road, 95% of the time the driver is equipped with the quality of a typcial Malaysian driver.
- – Malaysia is known for its frequent thunderstorms which obscure your visibility on the road. When engaged in a thunderstorm on the road, remember to drive faster than usual and do not use the headlight to tell others where you’re at. You are better than that.
- – Drive a taxi: Taxis are the ultimate badass. They don’t have to pay for the damages they inflict onto your car or theirs, so with this in mind their level of intelligence drops below the level of a retarded fish and their balls expand exponentially huge when they’re on the road.
- - Become a motorist: this grants you even higher power above all else because you are now riding a motorcycle. Feel free to maximize your privilege of the road and roam freely among the road, remember this, no matter what you do, if a car hits you, it is ALWAYS THEIR FAULT.
I think I’ve covered most of the aspects regarding the way of driving in Malaysia. To local drivers – keep doing your thing and not giving a shit about other people. To foreign drivers, if you are fortunate enough to be able to drive in this country, I believe this guide can mean a difference between life and death. Cheers!
