So I went to a psychiatrist the other day because I've been developing these criminal intents and wanna purchase some full-automatic M16 assault rifles, a couple of Uzis and AK47's so I can go on a killing rampage and eradicate every single last one of these idiot drivers on the road since nobody seems to be doing anything about them.

The psychiatrist thought I was bullshitting and pat on my head and giggled as she handed me a scented candle and said: "Aww Jacky! Don't be crazy, now take this, go home, take a nice bath and release all that stress!" So I took the candle and stabbed it in her throat multiple times while asking her "How's this for releasing my stress?" She couldn't answer, I think it's because she was choking to death with blood splurging out of her throat.

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My job consists of driving around Kuala Lumpur about 5 times a week to meetings, deliveries, and collect payments. I can't seem to remember now, but there was a time when I enjoyed driving. I'd set the A/C real nice, turn up my favorite music and just cruise the road while enjoying the spectacular ocean line besides me. Wait that's a car commercial. But I did vaguely remember I enjoyed driving a distant past ago. But somehow, sometime, somewhere, I've lost that passion and instead my joy turned into anger; my anger turned into contempt, and my contempt turned into massive psychotic murdering hatred.

Here are a list of types of drivers that need to stop driving, actually no, STOP LIVING.

Ruthless Drivers:

"Bitch can't you see there's a long ass jam ahead of us?"

First of all, if you have a habit of driving at over 130km/h, tailgating everyone you see while there's obviously a traffic jam ahead of you, I hope your car suddenly malfunctions, your tires pop and then your stupid shit-tier, low-rank piece of garbage ass car crash and you slowly die as you burn in endless agony and just in time for your last breath I will be there to put out that hell's flame by pissing on your face and shitty phone that's attached to it while I'm at it.

Ruthless drivers are up my ass ALL THE TIME. And no I do not drive slow. I drive at reasonably above average speed. Can someone tell me exactly what the fuck is wrong with these people? Why are they all driving like they all have REALLY bad stomach cramp and about to diarrhea all over their seats? Why are they all too damned stupid to figure out that there's a traffic jam right up front and believe strongly that if he continues to tailgate somebody the traffic jam will miraculously disappear. It never worked. They ALL have to eventually slow down, so what's with all the tailgating and blinking headlights for?

Nowadays I love to fuck around with these tailgating little shits. Please note that when I perform the following I am usually already driving above or way above average speed and in most cases there are already traffic jams ahead (i.e. you need to slow the fuck down now): I'd tap on the brake pedal lightly for multiple times in a roll to make the guy brake too and they always do and slow down drastically because they suck at driving. Then the less-mentally-challenged usually understood that I purposely did that out of spite, and they would speed up in attempt to cut into my lane - but can't, because 1) Their cars are usually shitty 2) they already stepped on brake pedal while I was only lightly tapping it so I could easily out run the stupid dumbass and 3) They'd have to get to mid lane to cut into mine and of course I'd carefully position my car right beside him to make sure to block that stupid dumbass. And there it is, I saved the traffic from potential disaster once again, but more importantly I successfully pissed off an idiot ruthless driver.

There is no nice way to change this problem. Nowadays people have GPS geared with some cop and camera detectors and they start to believe they're road Gods. Go fuck yourself. You risk my life by constantly driving like a fucking lunatic and ignorant to the consequences because you're late for a meeting and I'll risk mine to fuck with your momentum so you can slow the fuck down and abide to common driving etiquette. If you can't, die, or crash into a true slow driver.

Slow drivers:

 

"Stay the fuck away from fast lane."

Now onto the slow drivers. When I mean slow, I really mean below 10 km/h of speed limit on a fast lane. I've never really liked Ludacris the rapper but one particular song that I find exceedingly fitting for these slow ass half brained shit drivers is "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY".

Slow drivers is as unworthy of living as the ruthless-racecar-wannabe drivers because they are equally incompetent, and most of the time equally ignorant. Slow drivers can care less about your comfort and safety - they WANT to drive on the FAST lane SLOWLY and they NEED people behind to switch lanes or slow down unnecessarily to avoid being hit. If you have the habit of driving below speed limit on the fast lane then I hope someday some 40' container fully loaded, 16 wheeler mega truck somehow forgets to slow down for your dumbass and run your stupid, sorry, imbecile ass into oblivion. And then I will stop by and take a Polaroid picture of your crushed face, slap on a tagline "Slow Down lah!Don't be so impatient!" just like your car used to have, and put that on my rear-end bumper.

Talking/Texting while Driving:

I must admit that sometimes I pick up urgent calls when I'm driving. But you'll never see me going "LOL ROFL",  having a fun-packed, love-loaded full-on conversation on the phone when I'm driving. Every time you have an urgent call when you're driving, you pick it up and tell the caller that you're driving and will call them back soon as you can because you fucking will. You risk my life and waste my time by paying more attention to your stupid conversation than the road.

And some people are worse - they text while driving. Wow, just thinking about these fuckheads as I type, my intracranial pressure has exceeded 300 mmHg - in another words my head is about to fucking explode. I don't believe in Heaven or Hell, but the people who constantly texts and talks on the phone while driving should definitely be sent down to the 7th realm of Hell where they pluck your tongue and amputate your limbs not so you suffer from the pain but suffer from the fact that you can never ever fucking Talk,Text and Drive, any of the above and ALL OF THE ABOVE, ever again.

Anti-mergers

 

"Thanks for cramping up the lane and cause more traffic jam douche bag."

Now Kuala Lumpur is infamous for its traffic congestion - as with many cities in the world. And we all recognize the fact that during rush hours there will be traffic jams, cars storming out from nowhere, you move bumper to bumper. The only solutions to this problem are more roads or other means of transportation to reduce traffic flows, or simply drive smarter. But no matter where you go, you will ALWAYS find these selfish drivers who refuse to let merging traffics in.

Here is a logic question: Cars are merging into a major highway, it is congested with many, many cars on the slow lane. The mid and fast lanes have far less cars and are moving more smoothly. You are in the slow, sluggish painfully slow-moving lane but right next to the free and clear mid/fast lane, what do you do? You MERGE to the mid or fast lane right? But NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. There will always be these selfish, shit eating douche bags that REFUSE to let you merge and remain in the pain-in-the-ass slow lane, because why? THEY DON'T WANT TO YOU GET IN FRONT OF THEM.

TEROFHMURCK

Wow, I just banged my head on my keyboard and did an anagram for "MOTHERFUCKER".

If you have the habit of refusing to let merging traffic in while ignoring the fact that mid and fast lane have less cars where you can move a lot faster, then I hope the gas truck in front of you suddenly explodes Final Destination style, and before your sorry ass have the time to mutter "Oh shit!" as your last line in your sorry life to your sorry phone to your sorry recipient on the other sorry line, your sorry head would be blown into sub-atomic particles and at the same time your soul and body will forever  be lost and the world suddenly becomes better because you no longer will be able to produce any selfish, fucked up kids who are going to turn out just like you.

Double Parking:

 

 

This may not happen as much in more developed countries but it is prevalent in Malaysia, particularly in the city area. People LOVE double parking here because again,they don't give a fuck about your or rest of the world's safety and comfort. They will single-car-ly block the entire fucking road because they have the need to park at that exact spot. They cannot afford to lose any more time looking for a parking spot 10 meters away, so they will waste your time and block the rest of the road instead.

One time I was bitching about this problem to a Malaysia-local, she chastised me for not understanding that this is a result of the government not implementing good infrastructure for parking spaces and city planning, that it's not the people's fault, they HAD to do it.

Oh yeah? So maybe I'm just stupid, maybe I just love taking extra effort and time trying to find a legal parking space that doesn't invade other people's safety and convenience. Maybe I need to go to the hospital because I have so much anger. Speaking of the hospitals, maybe one day, one of these double parking scumbags gets some kind of critical injury and requires immediate medical assistance, and maybe the ambulance could have gotten there in time to save his life, and just maybe because that same idiot's double parked car had caused a severe congestion, and maybe that'll be the demise of his own doing.

Idiot Parking:

One time I was riding with a friend of mine as we were going to the mall. As we circle around B1 we couldn't find any parking, it seemed to be fully packed and best thing to do was to go down more levels for parking. But no, he slowly and carefully circled around the lot as he mumbles to himself: "I need my Irish Luck!" while I notice the dark parking garage are starting to light up because 10s and 20s of vehicle behind us with headlights are starting to illuminate the entire garage. "There it is! My Irish Luck! I found my parking spot!", he sits there waiting for the spot as the car desperately tried to back up the car. 15 minutes passed by to no avail,at this point, an army of angry motherfuckers behind us are about to go ape shit on us, so I told my friend to give up the parking and move on to B2 or B3." But... it's my Irish Luck!" He said. I looked at his forehead fora second, because at this point I could never look at a man whom I'm about to fucking kill, I take out a sledge hammer that I always carry and smashed his head into a pulp with it, then drove the car to B2, and what do you know - plenty of parking spaces.

I don't understand the mentality of these people who insist on finding the parking space by cruising at 0.5 km/h just so they can find a parking spot closest to the mall/store entrance. Hey, how about try WALKING fora change, you selfish, stupid fucking idiot? If you park further from the entrance and walked instead, it'd certainly be faster than having to circle around in the front hoping to find that stupid parking spot. Worst of all, you waste MY TIME by being the unfortunate person to drive behind your ignorant lazy fat ass. These people, they are unable to think outside of their worthless selves.

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Then of course there are the Cutters, Parking Thieves, Non-blinkers, Broken cars that sits in the middle of a freeway, Drunk/Sleepy/High truck and taxi drivers etc. The world seems to be eternally short of stupid, selfish, ignorant, fucked up, shit eating idiots on the road and they put all of our lives in danger every single day. Every time I see one of these guys I always wished their cars would malfunction somehow and crash and explode and burn into the abyss of hell, or at the very least a police officer can finally do something about them.

Oh well it's enough for now, after all I still have to head out in 5 minutes and hit road again.